(Translation: Daniel W. Koon)
Axxˇn 153, August 2005
To Pedro Cabiya, for his Madreperla, the original. This is just a barefaced plagiarism in the key of SF.
Is it your dream to look like a movie star, a singer or a famous sports star? Do you think that your face or your body is not perfect? That there are too many inches on your nose or your hips, that you are lacking breasts, muscles or height? Are you dissatisfied with the color of your eyes, your hair or your skin?
If you are tired of wearing high heels or padded bras; if you do not have the time, the desire or the stamina to suffer through diets or to sweat in the gym; if you are allergic to contact lenses, dyes and wigs or too lazy to use them; if plastic surgery frightens you...
Apollovenusine might be the answer to all your problems.
Place a pill under your tongue, focus for five seconds on the look you desire to have, and then spit it out. Now look in the mirror. The metamorphosis will leave you speechless... and totally satisfied!
The look you want, the look you get! Apollovenusine makes it happen.
Its active ingredient almost instantaneously modifies the genetic code of your chromosomes and the phenotype determined by them, to match the body image that you have previously chosen. The metamorphosis is definitive and irreversible.
Thousands of women are now blissful cloned doubles of Shakira, Britney Spears or Julia Roberts, thanks to the magic of Apollovenusine.
Thousands of copies of Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson and Justin Timberlake are now proudly walking the earth after having tried Apollovenusine.
If you want the face of Catherine Zeta-Jones, the breasts of Pamela Anderson and the legs of Cher, try Apollovenusine!
If your dream is the muscles of Arnold Schwarzeneggar and the face of Steven Tyler, Apollovenusine will deliver the miracle you desire!
The gods Apollo and Venus would have tried Apollovenusine. Why don't you?
You don't need a medical prescription! Order it TODAY from your pharamacist or distributor!
Apollovenusine is a registered trademark of Bayer-Bell-NASA.
By order of the International Commission for Medications and Narcotics, the consortium marketing this drug is obliged to include the following pamphlet of instructions in every commercial package or free sample of the product, as well as with every announcement, advertisement or instruction related with the storage, sale or use of the substance Metamorphosphate of Ultragenine-Beta III, the active ingredient of Apollovenusine.
Apollovenusine is sold exclusively in blisterpacks of 20 tablets. Reject any package which contains a larger or smaller number of pills or tablets, or that is missing the factory seal or any package that has been opened or does not include this circular.
The sale and/or distribution of Apollovenusine without the following document constitutes a crime as described in Federal Circular 23-MK-00034 and is punishable with fines of up to $25,000 and imprisonment of up to five years, or both.
If you are aware of any promotional material which advertises the sale of Apollovenusine without said pamphlet, you have the obligation to report it as quickly as possible. Failure to do so will make you liable for prosecution for complicity in the crime of consumer fraud.
The advertising company, or publisher, or any other legal entity either directly or indirectly involved in the design and/or distribution of promotional materials for Apollovenusine lacking the previously cited document may be subject to closure of its operations and seizure of its assets, as well as legal prosecution under the laws applicable to the aforementioned crime.
No part of this document may be modified in its syntax, vocabulary or punctuation, under penalty of the aforementioned charges.
Carefully read these instructions before using Apollovenusine, and follow them to the letter. They have not been drafted to cause you unnecessary bother; rather, their objective is to protect you from possible disagreeable side effects from the use of this revolutionary medication.
Keep Apollovenusine out of the reach of children and pets.
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR USE:
To facilitate a better focus on the anatomical features desired, we recommend the use of a single tablet of Apollovenusine for the transformation of each body feature you wish to alter, as well as the use of photos or videos as an aid to your mental image.
The time the tablet remains under your tongue should not exceed exactly five seconds. We recommend the use of a reliable digital timer with fresh batteries. The time period should be measured from the exact moment that the pill makes contact with the sublingual mucous. The expulsion, once the pill has exerted its effect, should take place with an energetic and decisive expectoration. We recommend a previous trial with placebo tablets of the same weight, consistency and volume. Bayer-Bell-NASA provides a set of the same to each purchaser of Apollovenusine, free of charge.
We strongly discourage the use of Apollovenusine in the presence of other persons. These persons may prove a distraction and negatively influence the final result. In addition, if the time the tablet remains under your tongue is six or seven seconds, on expelling the used pill there will also be a genetically-specific gas that is also expelled, innocuous to the person who has used the pill but occasionally lethal for any other human located within a distance of ten meters.
Maintaining the tablet of Apollovenusine under the tongue for eight or nine seconds produces the total or partial degeneration of the male or female genitalia in 80% of all cases. In the other 20% it does not produce anatomical degeneration in the reproductive organs, but merely irreversible sterility.
The exposure of the sublingual mucous to Apollovenusine for ten seconds or longer has been known to provoke the appearance of Hodgkin's disease, melanomas, lymphomas and other malignant tumors which are normally non-operable.
Do not use Apollovenusine if:
You have ever in your life consumed any of the following drugs: caffeine, marijuana, opium or its derivatives, or cocaine.
You have consumed more than 50ml of alcohol per day or smoked more than 5 cigarettes per day during the previous five years.
You are less than 15 years of age.
You are using any hormonal contraceptive.
You are regularly consuming medication against gastritis, cephalalgia or diabetes.
You have had homosexual relations during the last six months.
You have ever traveled in outer space.
Consult with your doctor before using Apollovenusine in the event that you suffer from acne, anosmia, deafness, otitis, blindness, conjuncitivitis, myopia, hyperopia, astigmatism, pigmentary retinosis, stuttering, harelip, cleft palate and/or orthodontic problems.
Patients under psychiatric treatment with barbiturates, amphetamines or other antidepressives are strongly advised not to use Apollovenusine.
If you have been diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, phenylketonuria, hemophilia, xerodermia pigmentosum or alibinism, maintain a distance of at least ten meters from Apollovenusine or any other preparation containing Metamorphosphate of Ultragenine-Beta III.
Do not allow contact between your bodily tissues and Apollovenusine if:
You consume steroid- or cortisone-based preparations, or have consumed such preparations within the previous two weeks.
You display symptoms of cold or flu.
You are allergic to eggs.
You are on a diet limiting you to 2500 or fewer calories a day.
You have never been exposed to measles, chickenpox or other autoimmune diseases.
You have suffered the extraction of one or more teeth within the last month.
Do not combine Apollovenusine with carbonated water, Coca Cola, Pepsi Cola or any other carbonated liquids.
Immediately suspend the use of Apollovenusine if:
You suffer allergic reactions such as darkening, inflammation or the appearance of vesicle lesions of the skin. Likewise for uncontrolled blinking, muscular paralysis resembling tetanus, chronic vomiting, nasal hemorrhages, diarrhea or impotence.
You experience loss of appetite or constipation.
You develop cramps or total or partial facial paralysis.
Your fingers begin to fuse, connected by purple interdigital membranes.
You develop sensitivity to gamma rays.
Blood appears in your urine or feces.
Your droppings retain mobility after leaving your intestinal tract.
You begin to feel like a piece of excrement.
You suffer a recurring and absurd nightmare in which the intelligent feces from the planet Beta III from a parallel dimension, equipped with hands having purple interdigital membranes and eyes sensitive to gamma rays, inform you that they are planning to conquer Earth as revenge for the ongoing theft of their eggs, the Apolvenusine tablets.
Do not mention the names of Albert Einstein or Paul Dirac within a distance of less than ten meters from any Apollovenusine tablet.
NEVER make fun of Apollovenusine. NO distance is safe.
The active ingredient of Apollovenusine, Metamorphosphate of Ultragenine-Beta III, is a helical protein supercomplex which has a spatial structure which was copied from an alternative universe by NASA and Bell Laboratories during their experiments with a Controlled Transdimensional Portal.
Used correctly, Apollovenusine eliminates ugliness, anatomical monotony and low self-esteem. Its inappropriate use, however, can produce consequences like the total or partial degeneration of the skeleton and/or the skin and the loss of the nose and eyes and other organs, which could damage your personal appearance and health in a serious and irreversible manner.
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