“Where am I?”

Renee Rubin

All rights reserved by the author



And there I was, lying there on my bed that Sunday afternoon.  It had been an amazing weekend.  Unusual, and amazing. 

“Honey, lunch is ready.”

“Yes, mother, I’m coming. I’ll be right down.”

Where was I? Oh yes, the weekend, and how amazing it had been. 


“BRRRINNNGGG,” the last bell on Friday afternoon rang happily as we rushed out of school.  I met up with Luce and Diana outside my locker like every other Friday afternoon.  I grabbed the work I needed for the weekend and we walked outside to the local pizza joint down the street.  It was rather crisp outside, sort of, that feeling between seasons when you aren’t quite sure if it is winter or spring anymore.  Due to the crisp breeze, we walked rapidly and made it to Larry’s Pizza rather quickly. 

We were surprised to see Jimmy already there; he was the fourth member of our little group that always met at Larry’s after classes on Friday.  Jimmy didn’t have a last class so he went home early and met us here every week. 

“Hey Larry”

“Howdy kiddies.  How are you guys doing?”

“Not bad” I said, “We’ll have the usual, I guess.”

“So, that’ll be a large half pepperoni, half anchovy?”

“Mmmmm, yes indeed Larry. Thank you,” said Luce.  He was a very big anchovy fan. 

“Guys, I’ll pay this week, I’ve been mooching off you guys for a while.”

“Ooo, thanks,” said Diana.

So there we sat, the four of us, as we always do, eating away at our precious pizza.  Mulling over what we might do with ourselves in the upcoming weekend.  We’d heard about some big band that was coming, but neither of us knew what band, or if we needed tickets or not.  So, we decided to ask around, see what’s up.  If nothing came to be, we’d sit at home and watch movies, like most weekends.

We got our things after eating, and grabbed a few handfuls of mints; that pizza really does nothing in the good smelling breath department.  As we walked out of Larry’s we saw one of our mutual friends talking to some people we’d never seen before.

“Hey Margaret, what’s up?”

“Ahh, hey guys, just chatting with some of my buddies.  They go to RHS, you know, down by the airport.”

“Yeah, we played soccer there once I think.  That school covers the towns of Lauder, Park, and umm Maurice right?”

“Yessiree, Jimmy” responded Margaret.  Jimmy always talks with funny words.  We make fun of him all the time. “Hey guys say hello to my friends, Jimmy, Luce, Diana, and Wendy.  This is Simon, Jack, and Ellen.”

“We are from Park, so pretty close to here” Jack said. “About ten minutes tops.”

“Hey!” a great idea was forming in my head.  It was very exciting.  “We should get together this weekend, you know, some mutual friend bonding fun.”

“Well,” said Margaret “We were going to go to that big band thing in Auslyn on Saturday night.”

“Auslyn?” Diana asked, “Where’s Auslyn?  I’ve never heard of it.”

“Eh, it’s about 20 minutes away, it’s where that old farm was, you know next to the cemetery?”  I said.  “It’s not very big, but I know where it is, I think I’ve driven through it once.”

“So, who’s playing at this band deal?” I asked.

“It’s called the Rave Machine, from what I hear it’s like a giant dance party outside,” said Simon.

“Wait, don’t we need tickets or something?” I asked.

“Nope, it’s one of those freebie deals,” Margaret said. “They pick you up big in the concessions department; ya gotta bring lots of money for that.”

“How about we all go, I’m sure us Parkites can show you a grand ole time!” said Jack. “I’ll come pick you guys up.  My dad is doing work on the house; he won’t mind if I take the “White Whale” err the white Suburban he drives.” 


So, there we had it, a planned weekend.  Wow, something new, different, unusual.  What were we thinking?  We never ever had anything planned; we sort of just sit around and do absolutely nothing.  It’s usually nice but, wow, something else to do.  I couldn’t contain myself from excitement. 


“Wendy, are you coming?”

“Yes, mother, I’m on my way, just finishing something up.”

I hung around with my sister, Julie for a while on Friday night.  Watched some movies, I honestly couldn’t tell you what the movie was, I was that excited.  As a senior in High School, I’d never really had anything planned.  Asking my mother was easy, I just told her I’d be staying at Diana’s house, I do all the time.  Trying to explain where I was really going to be didn’t seem worth it.  Lying is just easier. 

I was a smart cookie and decided it would be best to get all my work done on Saturday. (I never do that, I am the biggest procrastinator ever!)  It was so hard to concentrate.  It’s really quite amazing I got anything done. 

It was exactly 6:00PM when I heard the honk outside.  I had been waiting ready to go for about an hour with bated breath for Simon to come. 

“Hey guys!  Are you as excited as I am?” I asked.

“Hell yea, excited to get blazed?” Ellen said.

“Blazed?” I questioned. “What’s that mean?”

“Umm Rave Machine is a big raver band.  The drugs there are crazy, you don’t have to do them, but the music is better if you do.” I was informed by Jack.

“Ummm, ok,” I said suddenly feeling a funny thumping in my stomach, that feeling that happens right before you go down the big drop in a rocky roller coaster.


The rest of the ride I remained silent, unsure of what was to come.  I’ve never been a big fan of that.  I’m one who likes to always know what’s going on.

Then we arrived, it was like nothing I’d ever seen before.  It was just an open field the band was on a giant platform, the strobe lights, the colors, and the people.  It was crazy.  There had to be thousands, how was it that I didn’t hear about this shindig before? 

 We got to the entrance, and there were tables and tables of tablets, pills, and such.   There were all different kinds of ‘ravers’ as they were called.  I had no idea what to find out about, I had heard about these drugs, and thought they were all illegal and only people who I didn’t associate with did them.  Oh how wrong I was.

“Wendy, you’re new at this right?” Ellen asked me.

“Umm, ya, Ellen, I don’t know.  Is it ok?”

“Ahh this shit? Yeah, it’s not even illegal, yet.  The FDA doesn’t know it exists yet.  They are converted drugs. They are called designer drugs.  We know how to make them, I’ll have to show you some time.”

“Wendy,” Jack called. “Try this; it’s a lesser version of Ecstasy.  We call it ‘Adam’ or ‘Mini X.’ It’ll make you all happy and peaceful inside.”

“Umm ok.”

What could go wrong right?  I paid the man the five dollars for the “Adam.”  I then quickly prayed to the nearest higher power for my life and forgiveness.  (I wasn’t religious, but at that moment I felt that praying to something was appropriate.) 

“Ok, let’s do it all together,” Margaret decided.  “On the count of three: one, two…”

“THREE!” we all shouted.

It felt just like a normal Advil dosage or the like.  I didn’t feel anything.  Then realized it was probably just like a painkiller, you had to wait about ten minutes for the drug to settle into your system.  The time felt eternal.  Then I felt something. It was sort of a buzzing in my head, then all over.  It felt really good.  Like nothing I’d experienced before. 

“Wendyyyyyy,” Diana called.  “Can ya feeeeel it?”  She was having trouble forming her words properly.

“Yeeees I can.”  Hmm, I realized I couldn’t speak correctly either.  “It’s so weirrrd.” 

“Don’t you feeeel all happy inside?”

“Yaaa. I feel like I couuuuld doo anything right now.”

“You can! Letttt’s DANCE!” 

And so we did.  We rocked out like I’d never done before.  It was amazing.  I felt so good.  If I was only on the “Mini X” I wondered what the real stuff was like.  I’d heard about these Amphetamines, but didn’t know how great they were, or thought that I’d have the opportunity to experience them.  It was indescribable. 

 I don’t remember much else from that night; I just know it was amazing, and that I’d do it again if I was given the chance. 

I woke up at Simon’s house the next morning, when we had all woken up, he drove us home. 


“Hey honey, how was your night at Diana’s?” my mother asked me as soon as I walked in.

“Oh it was great mom.  We had a lot of fun,” I said quickly.  “I’m going to go up and finish my work.”

“All right. I’ll let you know when lunch is ready. Is there anything you want in particular?”

“Naa, whatever is fine with me.  Well, I’m not really in the mood for a sandwich.  Maybe something you eat with silverware, hmmm soup or pasta or something. I dunno.”

“Ha ha. Ok Wendy.”                                                                                                                                       


“WENDY? Come on. It’s getting cold,” My mother yells to me, starting to get angry.

“Ahh right yes, I’m coming. Sorry, I forgot again.”  I race downstairs, I know that if she has to call my name one more time there might be an unfortunate conversation in the future.

“Are you ok? I never have to call you that much to eat food,” my mother asks with much curiosity.

“Haha, yeah Mom, I’m fine.  Sorry about that,” I breathe a sigh of relief.


“RING RING,” the phone nearly fell of the hook. 

“Hello?” I answered.

“Wendy?  It’s Margaret.”

“Oh, hey Margaret.  What’s up?”

“Ellen and the others wanted to get us together some time and show us how to make the sparkies we had last night.  She said something about how they are worried about the possibility that the ravers we had last night are going to be declared illegal soon.  We have to make a new one.”

“Wait, you guys know how to make the stuff?”

“Well sorta, we have some chemist geek friends at the local college.  They help us, it’s a good deal, we give them the space, they show us how to do it, and we get the benefits of their result…if you get my drift!”

“Um ok cool, when?”  I’m so excited.  I want more.  Everytime I try to ignore it, I can’t.  I want the real stuff.  Not the wimpy dosage I had. 

“Whenever, today would be cool.”

“Umm, can you guys pick me up?  I don’t have any transportation methods today.”

“Yeah, Simon’s on it.  I think he likes to drive…he likes you.  Err he likes to drive yeah that’s it.”

“Ooo, I like the sound of that.  Hold on I gotta see how much work I have and stuff.”

“Ahh Wendy, you and your work. Ya wanna go to Harvard or something?”

“Actually yes, but that’s beside the point.  I don’t have much anyway.  I’ll be ready.”

“Great.  And bring cash.  This shit isn’t cheap in its pure form.  And be ready to get a major blaze.  This stuff is schweet.”

“I thought you said the chemistry weirdoes make if for us.”

“Heh, that doesn’t mean that it’s free!”


“Mom, I realized I don’t have much work to do.  I’m going to go over to Diana’s house and chill for a while.”

“Umm ok.  Chill? That’s a new one on me.  Have fun sweetie.  Don’t be back too late.”

“Oh, mom, get with it.  Everyone says that, even my teachers.”

“I ah, guess I’m not up on the current form of proper speech,” my mom responded with a funny eye roll.


It was almost like magic.  Simon was already there.  Almost like he was on his way before I hung up the phone with Margaret.  Hmm not bad, I like this chauffeur deal!


“Hey Simon.”

“Hey there.  It’s nice of you to join us.  So ya liked last night eh?”

“Oh, yeah,” I said with a ton of excitement.  “I’d do that again anytime.”

“Well, we are gonna teach you guys how to make it.  Well, I’m not, but Johnnie and Mason are.  They go to Pinnant College, chem nerds!  Oh how we love ‘em.” 

“Ahh, cool.  So you actually people actually make it in their own homes?  That’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah, I’ll show you how the diagrams and stuff when we get to my house, it involves chemical chances and shit.  Then you’ll actually get to watch as Mason and Johnnie are working on it.  It’s fantastic.” 

“Wait, you can change the compound of it?  How do you do that?”

“I’ll draw you a picture when we get to my house.  Are you into science at all?”

“Umm yeah I guess, I do pretty well in Chemistry.”

“Haha Wendy, I hear you do well in everything. (I start to blush like mad)  This has a lot to do with Chemistry.  It’s pretty interesting actually.”


We finally arrive.  Simon grabs me and we quickly run into the basement.  I am quickly introduced to Mason and Johnnie.   They suddenly turn to Simon. 

“Ok, Simon, we need to make a new chemical compound that we can use.  The FDA is going ape shit again, and we need to be careful.  Getting caught is way not worth it.  That is a bitch,” Johnnie breaks in quickly.  It sounds like he is in a hurry or something.

I turn to find the people I know.

 “Hey guys.”

“Hey Wendy,” Luce said.  He has a funny look on his face.  A confused but very excited look. 

“Hey Luce, what’s up?”

“Whoa, Wendy.  I just doped up really bad,” he said waveringly.  “It was mad crazy schiz.  You should try it.”

“Ah, Wendy, you wanted to know how we do this, right?” Simon asked.

“Yeah, what’s the scoop?”

“Ok, so you sorta mess with the chemical compounds.  Take a look.  Here’s a schematic of what we do. It’s a ‘lil diagram of sorts.  Look at it; I’ll get Johnnie and Mason to further explain.  I don’t know enough to really explain.”

Figure 1 :  Anonymous, Recreational Drug Information Web Site. 1999. 7 Dec. 2004. http://www.a1b2c3.com/drugs/desi01.htm.


“Hey Mason, will you come here and use your chemical brain to explain this to Wendy?”

“Yeah sure, it’s what I know my friend,” he turns to me. “Hey nice to meet you, so

you had Ephedrine last night; you had a smaller, weaker version.  All of these are Amphetamines.  The FDA has stated that they are illegal, we don’t really know why; we haven’t had any problems with it.  It’s used in Ritalin and such.  Ok, so, there are rumors that Ephedrine is becoming better known, which is bad for us.  So we can heat this baby, and add some chemicals, and the Ephedrine will become Pseudoephedrine.”

“So you just add heat and…poof?” I ask rather confused.

“Haha, not quite.  We’ve done a lot of research; we don’t want to severely hurt anyone.  It involves adding chemicals such as Oxygen, Hydrogen, Nitrogen gases.  You know the common ones found in the air.  We use these in their pure form and force them into the chemical complexes in the diagram.  There is usually a product that we throw out, like water, carbon dioxide or nitrous oxide, you know laughing gas.  It’s not that hard.  We do have to be careful not to mess up and produce carbon monoxide or something.  That would be bad.”   

“Do these doctored drugs have the same effects?”

“We think so.  And that’s what we’ve heard.  I’m sure they are fine.  I mean, they do have the same chemicals and such.”              

“Sweet, so, have you made this pseudowhowhatsits?”

“Haha, yes.  We were waiting for you to take it.  I think Luce couldn’t wait though.  He’s a bit out of it.  He’ll be fine.”

And so we take a dose of this new pseudo-blazer.  I don’t think I pronounce it properly.  Heh.  It is amazing.  Even better.  My head is spinning like crazy.  Something feels different.  I don’t know what it is. 

Ahh, I know.  It’s not me.  It is Luce.  He is going crazy.  I watch him move around in circles, like his inner ear went on vacation or something.  I try to help but I don’t know what to do.  I try to form words, to find words, but I can’t.

“AHH SHIT,” I yell. “SIMON?” his name the only on I can remember right now.  “Luce. Bad.  He move. Fast. Not stop.  He need help now.  NOW.  Help him SIMON SIMON Siiimonnnnn.”

“Wendy.  Wendy. Wendy?”  I hear a soft voice behind me.  “Are you ok? Can you hear me?”  It’s such a nice peaceful voice.  Who is it?  I know that voice.   I try to see, and then I realize my eyes are shut.  I attempt to open them; they are so blurry I shut them again.  I try to wiggle my toes.  It takes so much energy.  What’s going on?

“It’s us, we are right here.  You blacked out.  You were crazy, running around in circles.”

I finally find the ability to see properly.  I see everyone leaning over me.  I think I’m on the couch.  Yeah, that’s right.  Margaret is there, Ellen, Jack, Luce, Diana, and Simon.  He looks so sad.  Like someone died.  But no one died.

“Luce, Luce.  Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.  The drug we use can project the feelings you have on others, making it seem like they have the bad reaction.”

“Girl you’re going to be fine.  We need to get you home,” said Diana.  “I’ll take you.”


© Copyright 2005 by the author

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