Drugs are Bad for You”

Kristina Ludwig

All rights reserved by the author


            *Imagined high pitched wail*

            The scream echoed in her brain. It would take seven seconds before he died. Seven seconds of having his body ripped apart. Sucks for him.     

                        *                      *                      *                      *

            Dayv Robinson was a stud. He was tall, dark, and handsome with golden hair that could shine in any light.  There was no getting around it, Dayv Robinson was genuinely good looking; and he knew it.

            Dayv wore the perfect combination of styles. His high paying desk job required a button down, but he wore it with such pizzazz that you knew he’d be great in bed. It was things like that and his ability to charm the pants off anybody of the female persuasion, that kept the ladies in a constant stream in and out and in and out of his lush bachelor pad. Last week’s agenda alone had read Carla, Stephanie, Marlise, Janet, Jill, Kate, and Kira.

            But Dayv had a secret. Dayv liked men.

            Lenard Vascoh was one such man, and today was the day they would finally meet. A lunch date at the illustrious Café d’Etoile had been scheduled safely away from anyone that could possibly know him.

            Except Lenard, of course.

            Lenard Vascoh was also a beautiful person, but in a different way. His beauty was more business like. While still tall, dark, and handsome, he was sharp and clean cut with rectangular glasses and that intellectual vibe. Although he was just as excited as Dayv at the prospect of meeting his cyber friend, he still had twenty minutes left in a business meeting and no one even suspected his inner flutterbies.

            Meanwhile, Dayv had just put the finishing touches to his formal attire; Café d’Etoile was no burgers and shakes place. Satisfied with what he spied in the mirror, Dayv whistled his way out of the apartment, down the stairs, and on his way.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

            “Hello. I’m here to meet Dayv Robinson.”

            “Right this way, monsieur.”

            Lenard’s heart began to race as the waiter led him through the maze of white table clothed circles with chairs. There was a man with his back to them with hair that shone even though the day was cloudy with snow. The stiff set of his broad shoulders spoke of nervousness. They were headed straight to him.

            “Ah, monsieur Robinson, monsieur Vascoh.”

            The waiter bowed and departed leaving the two men staring at each other in a breathless silence. Suddenly they smiled and shook hands. Conversation took off at once. Small talk led to brain picking led to-

            “So what’re you doing later?” Lenard asked.

            “Nothing,” Dayv replied. “Why?”

            “Would you like to come over tonight for some cocktails?”

            “I’d love to.”

            While they were waiting for their doggie bags, Lenard gave Dayv directions to his apartment.

            “Eight-ish then?” Dayv asked, throwing on his sports-coat.

            “Eight-ish,” Lenard confirmed, slowly buttoning his wool jacket.

            They walked out together, exchanged farewells, and went their separate ways as the snowflakes floated down.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

            Eight o’clock couldn’t come soon enough, but when it did, it came too fast. Dayv found himself in a frantic scurry to assemble himself in a respectable order. That accomplished by 7:55, he raced out and into his 1994 Mazda Excellence, a top of the line hovercar.

            “1470 Map Street,” he told it, and was soon flying off in the starry night. His palms were sweaty no matter how many times he rubbed them on his pants and he was sure that his hair just wasn’t up to par. In truth, he looked absolutely dreamy, although Lenard put it in slightly more masculine terms.

            Turned out, Bob loved vaginas. 

            “Good evening, Dayv.”

            “Evening Lenard.”

            “Please come in.”

            And there was definitely some cocktail action.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

            Dayv rubbed his head groggily. He pushed the soft, white sheets aside and sort of rolled out of bed. It wasn’t until his feet hit the lush carpet that he remembered where he was.


            The bed was empty now that he vacated it. He quickly and neatly made it, in his naked Adonis self, and then wandered over to the bathroom. After relieving himself and brushing his teeth, he slipped on the terry cloth robe hanging on the back of the door. Lenard lived like a rich person.

            In the kitchen there was a note for him on the fridge.


            Sorry to run out on you so early, but I had a blood drive to attend. Feel free to make yourself at home. I’ll be back by 3:20, but if you’ve got plans today, I completely understand. I had a great night.


                        Dayv smiled and floated off to get dressed for breakfast; he had the craziest

craving for a corn dog.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

                        A week went by, a week of bliss. Dayv couldn’t remember a time when he’d been so happy. He and Lenard were soul mates. Every day after the working part finished, they would meet for dinner or a movie or a walk in the park in the crisp nights. It didn’t matter what they did since it always ended up at Lenard’s place, in the bedroom (if they made it) with enough auditory to disturb the neighbors.

                        Dayv had found his nirvana.

                        But perhaps he was too lucky because it all came crashing down January 26th, the day of the company mandated physicals.

                        “I’m sorry sir, but you’ve got AIDS.”

                        It was a death sentence; excommunication from Earth, but more importantly, from Lenard.

                        “What?” a dumbfounded Dayv asked.

                        “Your AIDS test came back positive.”

                        “How–how can that be? I’ve only had sex with Le-Lucy lately.”

                        “Well then I suggest you bring this Lucy in for testing.”

                        “But I don’t have AIDS.”

                        Slowly and disgustingly the fog cleared.

                        “He knew. He must’ve known, and didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell me,” Dayv whispered as his soul got sucked past the event horizon.

                        This response wasn’t unusual; learning one has AIDS is quite the shocking development. The doctor knew that well and by now could go through the motions with few to no emotional tugs.

                        “I’ll give you a few minutes to yourself and then we’ll talk about your deportation.”

                        The door clicked behind the numb physician and Dayv cried.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

                        The day of deportation came disgustingly cheerful, bright, and sunny. Had it not been the middle of winter, the birds would have been chirping as well. Dayv thought about spitting in sheer pissed-off-ery, but was too depressed.

                        To say the previous week had been rough would be the grossest understatement of all time.

                        The test results had been sent out to his family and his boss. That same day, he had to get a marking of an ‘A’ on the webbing twixt thumb and forefinger on his right hand. This told the world. He resigned from his job, from his friends, from his life.

                        He didn’t tell Lenard.

                        Lenard called and called; he went from curious to fraught with worry to offended.


                        “This is Leo again. You haven’t returned any of my calls and I just wanted to let you know that I thought you had more spine than that. I’m really disappointed in you. I guess that’s all. Good bye Dayv.”


                        Dayv couldn’t call him back, He didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell me.  The betrayal hurt too much by itself. Instead, he existed despondently and waited for the INS people to come take him away.

                        Not that it really mattered anyway.

                        *                      *                      *                      *

                        “Dayv Robinson? Please follow me.”

                        Dayv followed the portly INS man into the rocket ship while other INS men took his belongings, presumably, to some other part of the ship.

                        The portly fellow led Dayv down the twisty turny maze which was to be his home for the next few weeks, introducing him to various components, like the bathroom.

                        Very important.

                        “Any questions?” he asked at the end of the tour.

                        “How long will it take to get wherever I’m going?” Dayv asked monotonously.



                        “Planet Cose is where all the AIDS, I mean, people of your condition go.”

                        Dayv snapped out of nothingness and straight into highly annoyed.

                        “People of my condition? And what condition is that? Pissed off? Depressed? Gay? Ruined lives anonymous? Better watch out, I could breathe on you and give you the AIDS so I can have some company on this funeral march. Hhhhhahh!”

                        This was too much for the portly man, whose orders had been to just escort Mr. Robinson on board and give him the tour of the ship. He had practiced that tour, too. The rehearsed facial expressions did not encompass the ‘deer in the headlights’ look he was now emanating. Before Mr. Robinson really could give him the AIDS, he scampered off.

                        Dayv sighed and collapsed on a couch type bench thing.

                        “Hey. That’s mine.”

                        Dayv looked up in annoyance and-



                        (both) “You gave me AIDS!”

            Dayv: Oh no. I was completely clean before I met you, you dirty whore.

            Kira: What are you talking about, fag?

            Dayv: *gasp*

            Kira: That’s right, I heard all about your little homoerotic fling.

            Dayv: Don’t you dare go there, bitch. What Lenard and I had was more pure than anything you could possibly imagine.

            Kira: *sneer* You’re right, since I’ve never been sodomized.

                        Just as Dayv was winding up to punch Kira’s nose through her skull, a ground crew guy came up to the door.

                        “Yup,” he called back over his shoulder, “they’re both in here.”

                        Then he slammed the door shut and bolted it. The two inhabitants zerg rushed the door, but to no avail.

                        They were stuck.

                        Kira and Dayv exchanged glares. Presently, a man’s voice came over the speaker.

                        “Good afternoon Mr. Robinson and Ms. Catheway,” it said a little too chipper-ishly. “I hope you find everything to your liking.”

                        Kira flipped off the speaker, also to no avail.

                        “If you’d like to avoid a painful and bruising take off, please make your way to the top of the ship and belt yourselves in. Thank you.”

                        The speaker fuzzed out.

            Not looking at each other, Dayv and Kira started off for the cockpit.

            *                      *                      *                      *

Day One: Silence.

            *                      *                      *                      *

Day Three:

            Kira spilled the Fruity Pebbles at breakfast.

            “Oh great! Look what you did!” Dayv exclaimed, jumping up. Unfortunately, he hit the gravitational control button, so the Fruity Pebbles began falling up.

            “Smooth one yourself, dill hole,” Kira replied, and at this point Dayv wondered if her face was stuck in that glare.

            The Fruity Pebbles circled Kira’s head like an accretion disk, getting tangled in her long black hair, which was also floofing out. Dayv snorted.

            “What’s so funny?”

            “Your face looks like a black hole.”

            “I hate you.”

            And then came the great anti-gravity food fight of ‘95. 

            *                      *                      *                      *

End of Week One:

            Dayv woke up with a little morning wood.

            “Godamit” he muttered upon sighting the steeple.

            Stealthily, he eased open his door and listened. Kira wasn’t up yet.


            Hunched over, he waddled to the bathroom and got reacquainted with himself. Just when he was about to shoot a three solar mass load, the door knob turned. 

            “What the f-aww!” Kira exclaimed groggily. She rubbed her eyes and looked at Dayv unblinkingly.

            “Um, would you mind not looking?” Dayv said, attempting to shield himself.

            Kira snorted.

            “Not like I haven’t seen that before.”

            “Yeah, well, this is kinda different.”

            “You’re right. That was a raging boner. The one you stuck into me was half mushy. It would’ve been a better go had it been like that.”

            “Yeah? Well why don’t you just take care of it for me!” had Dayv been five, he would’ve stuck his tongue out.

            Kira arched a thin black brow.

            “Well maybe I will.”

            *                      *                      *                      *

Week Two, Day Two:

            Kira and Dayv were lying on the couch, looking out into the stars.

            “What do you think it’s like?” Kira asked.

            “What’s like?”


            Dayv paused for a moment while he constructed some thought.

            “I imagine that it’ll be just like Earth, except we’ll all have AIDS. And all the sex we want.”

            Kira chuckled at the prospect.

            “Will you miss it?” Dayv asked. “Home, I mean.”

            “Not particularly,” Kira replied. “I didn’t really have much going for me at home. How about you?”

            Dayv nodded.

            Brief silence.

            “I didn’t tell him.”

            “Tell him what?” Kira asked.

            “I didn’t tell him I was deported, because I thought he was the one who gave it to me. I thought he had it and didn’t tell me. I loved him.”

            “And what do you think now?” Kira asked carefully.

            “Well, I’m not sure; I don’t believe in coincidences and even if I did, you and I busted for an STD at the same time, well, that’s pretty unlikely.”

            “So you’re saying I gave you AIDS.”

            “No, Kira wait!”

            But Kira stormed off to her room and slammed the door. Dayv sighed and slowly stood up for some reconciliation.

            “Kira, I-,” he started, pushing her door open.

            Kira was sitting at her desk with a needle sticking out of the crook of her left arm. Startled, she looked up.

            “Dayv! It’s not what you think!”

            “Of course it is! You’re shooting up heroin!”

            “Well, yes. But I mean it’s not that bad.”

            “Oh no. They’ll only kill us both if they find out.”

            Before Kira could retort, Dayv was stuck with a terrible idea.

            “Where did you get that needle?”

            “My buddy on the street gave it to me. We were shooting up behind this dumpster,” she started to smile at the memory, but then saw Dayv’s face.

            “You shared a needle with a street rat?” he whispered, very pale.

            “Yeah, so-.”

            “You gave us AIDS,” he said. “You ruined my life! And Lenard! Poor Lenard will never know! He’ll think I’m spineless forever, and it’s all your fault!”

            “It is not! How do I know you didn’t get AIDS from banging your other boyfriends in the ass? Huh?”

            “Because Lenard was my first-.”

            “Aw, so you lost your be-hymen to him, how touching.”

            “-And don’t you think it’s odd that out of all the girls I had sex with that week, only you, Miss Heroin Junkie, is accompanying me on this hellish ride?”

            Kira clapped her hands over her ears.

            “Getoutgetoutgetout!” she screamed, shoving Dayv bodily out of her room. He let her, since he was too angry and disgusted to resist.

            Once in repossession of her room, Kira flopped on her bed and did her breathing exercises.

            Kira is an interesting character. She suffers from mild bipolarity and scape-goatism, meaning nothing is ever her fault. Therefore, neither was this episode.

            She had plenty of time to mull the situation over, since she and Dayv retrogressed to silence. The eventual solution, after hours of contemplative thought: Dayv must be lying because he’s just like her, only wrong. Then, somewhere in there, came the idea that lying, cheating, Dayv would probably rat her heroin addiction out when they got to Cose, preventing her from having new life.

            This created a whole new problem altogether.

            Luckily for Kira, a feasible solution presented itself.

            *                      *                      *                      *

Week Two, Day Four:

            The rocket ship occupants were awoken by a CLUNK.

            “What was that?” Dayv ran out, pulling pants on.

            “How should I know?” Kira replied, looking up as if to spot the source of CLUNK.

            The speaker, silent for the entire trip, crackled on.

            “Hello. We’ve been monitoring your progress and you’re now encountering some asteroids. Don’t worry, the autopilot will compensate and you should be just fine. However, one snuck through our detection, so one of you will have to go to the starboard side to check for damage. Any volunteers?”

            Kira and Dayv exchanged glances.

            “Hey, don’t look at me. I’m not the one with a penis.”

            Dayv muttered a ‘fine’ and then returned to his room to finish getting dressed. When he was done, the speaker gave him a detailed explanation of what needed to be observed. Before long, Dayv was working his way along the outside of the ship. Kira watched in fascination for awhile.

            And then self-preservation kicked in.

            The only thing connecting Dayv to the rocket ship was a sturdy cord, since he had his O2 in a tank on his back. It took Kira only a few seconds to don the second suit and secure her own cord.

            Emerging outside of the ship, Kira had a couple moments of fumbling before she was spatially oriented. It took only two more moments before she located where Dayv’s cord was anchored and two moments later than that, the cord was cut.

            Then, spidering her way over to where Dayv was examining, she gave him a nudge and sent him reeling.

            “WTF?” he mouthed, grabbing on to his cord and trying to pull it taught.

            Nothing doing, and when he realized that, horror danced across his face.

            Kira smiled lightly and blew him a kiss before pulling herself back inside.

            “Everything’s okay,” she told the speaker. “We’re ready to go.”

            The speaker said that was splendid and fuzzled out again. Then the rockets flared up and the ship traveled away from poor Dayv. Kira peered out the window at a flailing white space suit stark against the black space.

            Kira grinned and did a little dance.

            *                      *                      *                      *

            ‘Fuck’ was the only word Dayv could think of at the moment; ‘fuck’ and ‘bitch.’ Luckily for him, he was able to snag on to a passing asteroid. Unluckily for him, that asteroid was passing by because it was on its way to the black hole.

            When he realized that, ‘shit’ abruptly entered his vocabulary.

            *                      *                      *                      *

            On board, Kira was watching Dayv’s progress via binoculars. She hadn’t noticed the accretion disk until coming back into the spaceship.

            “Even better,” her sadistic self had said.

            Dayv had grabbed onto an asteroid, and now both he and it were starting to slow down. Then they disappeared into the swirling rubble.

            Kira could only imagine the pain of having one’s body pulled apart.

            “Sucks for him,” she giggled.

            *                      *                      *                      *

End of Week Two:

            Kira didn’t see Cose right away, since it was cloudy, but when she got a glimpse, she definitely wished she hadn’t.

            She thought she had escaped.

            She thought she had gotten rid of potential threats.

            She thought she could have a new life.

            What she didn’t count on was that instead of a planet, Cose was a set of jaws and stomach the size of a planet.

            The speaker fuzzed on again.

            “So what do you think?” it had trouble concealing its mirth.

            “Whaddya mean what do I think?! It’s just nasty, big, pointy teeth!”

            “Precisely! Ingenious, huh? We figured that the only way people like yourself could contribute to society was by being part of a meal.” 

            The speaker giggled at its wit. Kira was dumbstruck.

            “You see,” it continued, “as long as we keep feeding Cose here our refuse, he promises not to come over and consume Earth. So at least you’re going down doing something noble for your planet.”

            The ship sank lower and lower and the gaping orifice provoked nothing less than painful and disgusting thought matter.

            “But what if you run out of AIDS patients, huh? What then?” Kira’s voice went up an octave in panic.

            The speaker chuckled again.

            “Oh I don’t think that’ll ever happen. There will always be enough heroin junkies to propagate the disease. And besides, think how many people you infected through Dayv who had sex with Lenard who gave blood the next day. No, I think the disease will be sticking around.”

            The speaker silenced itself for good, after a bout of maniacal laughter.

            Kira’s legs no longer worked resulting in a hard landing on her bottom. Guilt like she had never felt flooded her senses and obliterated reality.

            Presently, the gnashing of metal announced the arrival of the teeth. Soon the whole spaceship was swallowed and Kira was on her way to being digested for the rest of her natural life...which was way more than seven seconds.

            *                      *                      *                      *

Moral: Don’t share needles when shooting up heroin.





© Copyright 2005 by the author

All rights reserved