“The Adventures of Darby O’Mulligan and Dr. O’Connor”

Tess Forrest

All rights reserved by the author


            Darby O’Mulligan stepped out of Starbucks to the chaos of Boston rush hour.  All he could see were masses of people cutting through the thick smog, and of course another big sign advertising a Starbuck’s right across the street.  Nothing out of the ordinary for the year 2035, just millions of people walking through the streets of Boston on their way home from work through the heavily polluted air.  Occasionally Darby would see a car drive through the street which had to make it’s way through the human traffic, and it reminded him of the days when he used to drive his car only a few years before.  Today everyone stared at the black Mercedes as it made its way through the crowd.  You could see the envy and nostalgia in the people’s eyes as they watched the car drive by and away, sucked into the thick dirty air.  Darby longed for the days in Dublin were it was green, cars drove freely, and there were still gas stations.  Since the end of fossil fuels had come about faster than anyone had anticipated, gas stations could no longer afford to stay open.  Gas had hit an amazing $1,000 a gallon; there was literally nothing left and the oil companies went out of business.  The only person who had enough money was Donald Trump so, naturally, he bought and took over all the companies.  Yes, Donald Trump now had a monopoly on the entire oil business throughout the world.  Just what he had always dreamed of.  Thank goodness he had a beautiful wife who was thirty years younger than him, and also a younger co-worker from his hit show thirty years ago, “The Apprentice”, who just happened to be the same age as his younger wife, and helped the crippled Trump make his decisions.  What Donald didn’t know, but the rest of the world did, was that because Donald was now old and didn’t have good hair anymore (well I don’t know if you’d call it good hair, but at least he had some) his wife was having an affair with the apprentice and they were secretly selling some of Donald’s oil over Ebay under the alias “comb over”, but for ten times the amount because there was no waiting list as there was with Trump Oil.

            As Darby walked through the streets with no cars he remembered a speech he had listened to as an undergraduate at UMaine on the importance of finding an alternate energy source for transportation given by a wacky professor from MIT.  The professor had predicted that the world would run out of its fossil fuels much earlier than anyone had predicted, and serious action had to be taken.  Of course nobody paid much attention, thinking he was over reacting, and that they had plenty of time to come up with some sort of plan.  Unfortunately the crazy professor was right, and nobody had done any work on an alternate energy source.  Darby was now a graduate student at MIT, and being there made him wonder what ever happened to that old crazy professor.

            Darby had found that it was much quicker to walk through the garage of his apartment building which opened to a back alley way rather than walking out front through the mobs of people on their way to and from work.  It also gave him a reason to go by all the cars in the garage.  They had all been permanently parked there for a couple years because nobody could afford the gas, but people just would not get rid of their cars, they held sentimental value to the owners.  It reminded them of the old days when they were able to make big trips and venture out of the city often, and secretly everyone hoped that there would be some miracle that would bring back gasoline and the ability to drive affordably.  Cars had been such a huge part of our society that nobody could let them go.  As Darby walked by his sleek black BMW, he longed for the days he used to be able to drive all over the country, race his friends on back roads, or even just do simple errands.  Darby put the key to the door, and as it was opened he was greeted as always by a big shaggy face, and a slobbery kiss.  “Hey Dr. O’Connor!  How’s my big best friend doing today?   I’ve missed you.  I hope you didn’t go to the bathroom in the house!”   Dr. O’Connor just looked up with loving big brown eyes, wet nose, and tongue hanging out of his mouth.  Despite Dr. O’Connor being a huge Irish wolfhound, he was full of love for Darby, and they were the best of friends.  Darby had gotten Dr. O’Connor eight years ago because his family was the largest breeders of Irish wolfhounds in the entire country of Ireland.  A year before he went off to college in the states, they had given him the dog so he would have a companion in our country.  Darby had named the dog after his best friend Kevin who was unfortunately killed in an Irish mob incident in a pub in Dublin while playing bay root with his club hockey team.  Kevin wanted to be a vet, so Darby decided to name him Dr. O’Connor, he called him OC for short.  He thought it was a pretty cool name because he heard that in the early 2000’s that was the name of a wicked awesome show.  Having Dr. O’Connor with him was like keeping a part of both his family and his best friend with him forever.

            Darby approached his answering machine and noticed that there was one message.  He played the message: 

“ Hello, Darby O’Mulligan, this is Professor Borkowski calling from MIT, I have been trying to find talented individuals to work on a top secret super team in order to develop some type of alternate energy source, and it has come to my attention that you are a splendid candidate.  With your background as a double major in physics and math I feel that you would contribute greatly to my program, and I want you to be my last member.  You are an exceptional student and extraordinary thinker, and I would extremely appreciate your help.  Please call me back at my private lab.  Thank you, and I hope to hear from you soon.”

Darby couldn’t help but feel that name sounded familiar.  Then it dawned on him, that was the name of the crazy professor that had given the speech when he went to UMaine.

            The next day before class he gave the crazy old professor a call.  He told him to come in to a special lab as soon as the class was done.  He had assembled a team and they all had to meet.  The professor said that he would have to devote a lot of time to this project.  Darby said the only way he would take the job was if he was allowed to bring Dr. O’Connor with him to the lab.  Borkowski reluctantly agreed.  So it was set, Darby and Dr. O’Connor were the last two members of the top secret super team.

            Later that day Darby and OC traveled to Borkowski’s secret lab.  When he walked into the lab, he immediately knew something was really weird about this guy because there were Einstein posters on the wall, but he was listening to Ashlee Simpson music from thirty years ago, thinking it was really good.  Anyone who actually thinks Ashlee has a good voice must be insane.  But Darby put his musical differences aside, and continued in to the lab.  The three other members of his team were already there and working hard on their experiments.  When Darby and OC walked in, they all stopped working.  Borkowski welcomed Darby and OC to the lab and introduced all of the other members.  Sitting in the corner at his computer was a small, skinny young man who Borkowski introduced as Tommy Woo.  Darby could tell he was one of those geeks who spent all there time in there room playing on their computer trying to crack some special code.  The sure sign were the hot pockets and kool aid scattered all around the desk, not to mention the coke bottle glasses which indicated way too much time spent staring at a computer or television screen.  Tommy had a weak handshake and was very quiet, but Darby could just tell he was a genius.  Just as Darby turned to meet the next person there was a huge bang and large puff of smoke.

            “This is the wonderful Wendy Wizzle, she’s been building mini hydrogen bombs since age thirteen.  She’s a little feisty sometimes, but we try to deal with her.”

Darby had seen her around school sometimes and knew that she was a total bitch, and absolutely no one liked her, except for OC.  He took quite a liking to her, trying to mate with her leg whenever possible.

Next, Darby met Frank Fanny.  This kid looked like he had just been sucked up and spit out by a tornado.  Hair everywhere, five o’clock shadow, dirty carhart pants, John Deere t-shirt with a flannel shirt over it.  Darby took one good look at this kid and immediately liked him, he could just tell this kid was funny, laid back and didn’t have a stick up his ass like the other two, and wasn’t crazy like the professor.  He had spent four years at UMaine, and these were the type of kids he saw everyday.  Frank Fanny was a big hick, and obviously from Maine.  So what was he doing here Darby wondered.

“This is Frank Fanny,” Borkowski pronounced, “he is an engineering major here at MIT and is at the top of his class.  He just happens to be from Madawaska, Maine which is where I have my other secret lab where I do my most private work hidden in the woods of east bum.”

So Darby had met the team.  They started working immediately.  Borkowski explained that scientists had been looking extensively at the value of using hydrogen as fuel because it is the most abundant element in our atmosphere.  He had brought Wendy in because she was so experienced with using hydrogen in just about anything.  There objective was to make a hydrogen fuel that was affordable, renewable and clean.  Scientists for years had been lightly working with solar hydrogen energy, but they could not find an affordable way to effectively make it.  Also they were not able to create an engine that was space and cost effective for automobiles.  This was what Darby and the crew set out to do.

Quickly the team seemed to have troubles with the crazy professor.  All of the students wanted to create the fuel first, then create an engine that works for the fuel and worry about getting it the right size for the vehicles after.  Borkowski wanted to create the right sized engine first, then create the fuel, because he felt that the cars should be made first and shipped out before the fuel.  The students started to work against him, and there were just too many differences within the group.  Borkowski wanted to do things his own way, so he broke off from the group.

The students worked well together and found a formula and correct materials for making hydrogen gas, but they had a very hard time trying to make an engine.  Crazy Borkowski had designed the perfect engine, but was stumped as to what materials to use for making the hydrogen fuel. 

One night Borkowski decided to do some recon on the students’ lab, to see what they had come up with, because he knew that they were trying to create the hydrogen fuel before the engine.  Trying to be smooth, Borkowski dressed in all black and attempted to scale the walls of the lab.  Of course he slipped and fell, being the complete klutz that he was, right into a bush.  He got his foot stuck in the bush and had to sacrifice his shoe.  He just said f-it and left it there.  He kicked in a window with his one shoed foot and threw himself in the window.  He got in and found the formula and correct materials for making the hydrogen fuel, and stole them.  He then proceeded to destroy everything in the lab so they would not be able to make the fuel anymore.  He then got on a horse and ran away to Madawaska to his secret lab in the woods of east bum.

The next morning Darby almost shat himself when he saw what had happened to their lab.  When the others showed up they too almost shat themselves.  OC really did have to take a poopoo, so he went around the back.  While going to the bathroom behind a bush, OC saw an ugly little shoe stuck in the bush.  He picked it up and brought it to Darby.  Written on the inside of the smelly shoe was the name Crazy Borkowski, because Borkowski was obsessive compulsive he wrote his name on everything.  This was where the kids found out that the professor’s real first name was actually Crazy.  They had always wondered why he responded to Crazy B.  This shoe just confirmed their idea that Crazy Borkowski had stolen their formula and destroyed their lab.  They knew the only place Crazy could be was in Madawaska because nobody had ever been there and nobody knew exactly where in east bum it was. 

So the kids went on to Ebay and bought 25 gallons of gas from Mrs. Trump and the apprentice for $250,000.  It didn’t bother Darby much at all, he just used his parent’s money to buy everything, like he had been doing most of life.  Luckily Darby hadn’t gotten rid of his beautiful Beemer so they all piled in.  OC and Fanny fought over the front seat, OC eventually won because he had bigger teeth.  Fanny ended up sitting bitch in the back seat because while OC and Fanny were fighting, Tommy and Wendy had already called left-seat-back-seat, and right-seat-back-seat.  Luckily Fanny was from Madawaska so he gave directions on how to get to east bum.

They amazingly had just enough gas to get them right to Madawaska but no further.  They got out of the car and all went in search of Crazy’s secret lab in the woods of east bum.  Surprisingly enough they happened to stumble upon a building that had a huge sign saying “Crazy Borkowski’s Secret Lab”.  They weren’t really sure it was Crazy’s lab, but they took the chance.  They mission impossibled it through the ventilation system of the lab, right into Crazy’s room.  He was startled to see them, like he had never told them about his secret lab or something, or Fanny wasn’t from Madawaska or anything.  He then proceeded to tell them that he planned on using all this information for world domination, something very original.  And now that he had explained to them his plan he was going to have to kill them all because they were going to ruin it for him.  For some reason he had a huge butcher knife and a chainsaw that miraculously worked- you know how hard those things are to start.  He came after the kids like a true crazy villain.  Darby and Fanny being the quicker of the four kids use their cat like reflexes to jump out of the way of the chain saw and head for the door.  OC follows Darby everywhere so he knocks the two other kids out of the way and heads out the door.  Poor Wendy and Tommy are too slow for Crazy, and Wendy gets the saw right to the head, she then falls on top of Tommy trapping him, and he gets the butcher knife to the heart.  Tragic.  Darby, OC, and Fanny find a random chair sitting in the hallway so they put it up against the door to try to lock Crazy in, while they run into the woods of east bum Madawaska.  Darby and Fanny hide behind a rock close to the lab which provides little cover, while OC hides in a bush because he has to poopoo again.  Crazy, not thinking that he could use his chain saw to get out through the wooden door, finds some other obscure exit that the kids clearly didn’t think about, and gets out into the woods to find them and kill them.  Walking very slowly with the chainsaw, Crazy attempts to find the kids, and what do you know?  He does.  Just as Crazy is about to take their heads off with the chainsaw, OC jumps out from behind the bush in which he just shat and uses his Irish wolfhound hula-hoop champion gyrating hips to knock Crazy off balance and then go straight for his jugular just like his ancestors did, killing Crazy in a matter of seconds.  OC saves the day. 

They then run back into the lab and take back their formula for hydrogen fuel, and also take the design for the engine.  Darby and Fanny decide that they need to make this engine and fuel and install it in Darby’s Beemer so they can get back as soon as possible.  It’s of course very easy.  Darby simply makes the hydrogen fuel, and Fanny being the awesome Maine hick engineer/mechanic makes an entire engine all by himself, and installs it into Darby’s car while OC just watches on wondering about the next time he will eat or poopoo.   This only takes about four hours, and then they head out.  Instead of stopping at MIT, they go straight to the Whitehouse to give the plans to our government because there is an intelligent President in office who will understand the importance of this technology for our economy and most importantly our environment.  The boys hand over the plans to the grateful government, who start work right away

Darby, Fanny, and OC become famous for saving the world from total domination by Crazy Borkowski, they get loads of money, people now have a clean and renewable energy source, and things return back to normal on planet Earth.  


© Copyright 2005 by the author

All rights reserved